JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
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I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
the clam before the storm
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”