@TheTweetOfGod: Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
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@mattZillaaaa: Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
@JohnLyonTweets: A tornado can get rough quickly, so it's important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
@InternetHippo: [invention of kissing] WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok
@cjwerleman: Vanilla Ice arrested for grand theft. Cops say, "He jumped in the car, slammed on the gas bumper to bumper, the avenue's packed."