Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’