Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
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If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Confused owl: What?!
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big