Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
won’t smith
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds