Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
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Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.