“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them