Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
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no cat here
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.