Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
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I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?