Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
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GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Autocorrect is my menesis