Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
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Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me