[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
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That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.