Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
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just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.