Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Worlds greatest photobomb
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Kentucky names the shit out of places
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
i dont have time for this
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Schrödinger’s cookie