@VerifiedDrunk: Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don't think I'm hungry for lunch anymore. .
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@KeetPotato: judge: "you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?" me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] "that's correct"
@iwearaonesie: me: time to apologize. did you eat the receipt? 8: yup me: ok cause if mom finds out we bought these flowers at the grocery store we're dead
@LaBaPete: Not everyone understands my laundry method. It's simple. If it's clean, it's on the floor. If it's dirty, it's on the floor over there.