Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room