Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
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*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I am also baked goods
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right