Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Hank is one in a melon.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married