Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
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[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32