@Ms612: 911: What's your emergency?
Me: Are you guys hiring?
911: This is an emergency line.
Me: No shit. Why do you think I'm calling?
@theshamingofjay: The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job
@WheelTod: [Date]
Him: I don't trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
@Zombieionism: Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
@pinupteacher: Looking out the window, some kid on the plane asked why everything was getting smaller. Haha, what a dummy. WE'RE getting bigger. Kids, lol.
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