@pharmasean: "I just figured the 'H' was broken on your sign" Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

@isabelzawtun: *walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen* "Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect"

@flashember: WIFE: Will he ever wake up? DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it W: i sold his pet hamster ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

@sad_tree: She's marrying HIM?! TODAY?! *cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He's Hulk Hogan, I'm The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.