me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
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everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
*eats only grass-fed donuts
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.