Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
You Might Also Like
work smarter, not harder
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
O Wise One….
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff