Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.