Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.