Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
File under excellent bookstore names.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Wednesday
only 11 steps left
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax