Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
You Might Also Like
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.