This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
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[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
even bears disappoint their mothers
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.