*jingles half the way*
You Might Also Like
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I identify as an antique shop.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction