why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
You Might Also Like
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
real
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.