Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
You Might Also Like
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
This probably isn’t good
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
just witnessed a drug deal
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?