Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.