[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
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There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away