[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
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I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*