[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
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*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home