[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.