[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
🤣😂
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
happy valentine’s day to me
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.