[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
A huge thanks to the person that did this
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*