[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
emergency phone
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
When you let grandma cat sit
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Best spoiler warning ever
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.