[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I鈥檝e already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I鈥檓 never driving my wife to work again.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it鈥檚 not wearing sunglasses
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 馃
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I鈥檝e known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I鈥檓 not taking homework assignments from you.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that鈥檚 when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application