[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*