Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
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wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.