Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
You Might Also Like
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
When he asks for feet pics
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?