*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
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My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised