*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
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[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months