job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
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Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information