job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
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Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
🍞🦆
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor