Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
You Might Also Like
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
This dude got his own movie?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.