Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
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dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean