Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
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interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww