The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
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My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Breaking news:
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”