[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
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I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I missed you with all my darts
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I can fix him.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow