[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
You Might Also Like
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My dog after a walk in the woods.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
WTF IS THAT!
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?