[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
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me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.